Confidence, a simple word that is used regularly, yet holds so much meaningful sentiment. How many times have you looked at a beautiful woman, walking around with her shoulders up straight, head held high and wished you could be that confident?
When I first started researching confidence, I thought it would be basic; believe in yourself, live a healthy life, dress the part and you will feel confident or at least you could “fake it till you feel it”.
Turns out, not that basic, but also not that complicated.
Confidence is having realistic expectations; it is how you feel about your ability to complete a specified task or activity. Confidence is believing you can achieve a set task; it is what helps you relieve stress and reduce anxiety while completing said task.
Example: If I am not confident in my public speaking abilities, I may be more likely to feel stressed and anxious about giving a public speech. If I am confident in my abilities, my stress and anxiety should not be as high.
Let us take a look at the benefits of having confidence and then we can work through methods for building confidence in the real world.
Benefits of confidence:
· The ability to perform better under stress.
· Radiating a positive attitude while reducing negative thoughts.
· Feeling valued, with an added bonus of feeling sexier.
· Influencing others by expressing a leadership presence
· Reducing social anxiety.
· Feeling more energetic and motivated to act.
· HAPPINESS
That would be great rights? Now, lets look at how we can realistically BUILD OUR CONFIDENCE:
According to Dr. TC North, a professional EOS (Entrepreneurial Operating System) and leadership coach and speaker; there are three approaches to building self-confidence.
1. Beginning with your mind
Think of your mind like a computer constantly upgrading, programming, learning, and relearning. To ensure this ‘computer’ is working at optimal efficiency, we have to regularly scan for viruses, filter our storage space and upgrade outdated programs.
So, how do we do this with our minds:
· Controlling self-talk. We know this, ‘don’t bring your self down, even in your mind’, use positive affirmations… It is not always that easy, I get it. What can we do to make this easier?
In Buddhism, being mindful is a continuing practice in every moment in our everyday lives. They make it simple, begin by ‘checking in’ on your thoughts. When you are zoned out, driving to work, pop inside your head and analyse; what are you thinking about? Why are you thinking about that boy you had a crush on ten years ago? What process of thought got you to that thought?
Do this regularly and when you reach those negative thoughts, acknowledge the thought, figure out what drove you to that thought and let it go. Replace it with a more positive thought and get on with your life. The more you repeat this exercise, the more your brain will reprogram and those thoughts should appear less and less.
· Change one word. When I read this, I was so surprised. Did you know, you should rather speak to yourself in second person, rather than first-person. Instead of saying ‘I’ve got this’ rather say ‘(your name) has this’ or ‘you have this’. Think of yourself as a coach and how they would speak to you.
‘I’ statements uses the mid-brain, the emotional section in the brain, which can be referred to as the fear center of the brain. Changing to words like ‘you’ or using your own names, switches the part of the brain to the cerebral cortex which is the logical part of your brain. This is why, a simple change of one word during stressful situations can completely change an emotional reaction to a more logical, thoughtful response, ultimately reducing stress and anxiety, while building confidence.
· Visualize. The same as you would train your glutes, we need to train and strengthen our confidence, to engage it and make our confidence neurons contract. Think of the last time you felt your most confident. What were you doing? Where were you? Who were you with? What were you wearing? What were you thinking or feeling?
When you think of a time when you were confident, it triggers a neural network in your brain where that memory and feeling of confidence resides. Every time you stimulate this network, your neurons get thicker, stronger and more connections are formed, allowing your confidence to grow. A nice way to use this technique is through journaling. Write down those memories, read through them, close your eyes, and relieve them. As you experience confident moments, write those down and repeat this process.
· Be prepared. This is not simply about having trained or studied or learned your speech profusely, we are also talking about your emotional preparation. How do you need to feel, should you be excited, happy, relaxed, energetic? If you are going to compete in Iron Man, it would be good to be somewhat excited but mostly calm with enough energy to get you through the race. If you are going into a negotiation meeting, might be best if you are calm and not bouncing off the walls with energy.
· Follow a pre-event routine. Not uncommon for athletes, or rock stars, but we can all do with a ‘pre-game’ hype-up to help shatter our nerves and refocus our minds. While not all of us have such high-staked events to participate in, most of us have some event or activity we need to do but scares us a little. This could be writing university exams, going for a job interview, maybe you just need some encouragement to get off your ass and go to gym (like I do). Not all of these steps may be necessary for you, but you will find which ones work best for your given event.
Let us take a moment, do you have an event in mind?
Step 1: We need some positive energy in our body, what physical warm up could you do?
You might not be able to take a jog around the block before going into a job interview, but maybe you could do a slight stretch or put on your best catwalk strut and walk up and down in-front of a long length mirror.
Step 2: Do a mental rehearsal.
This is a brilliant technique for stimulating that neural network again to help you achieve your best during your event. To do this, take a slow deep breath, or two and exhale for twice as long as you inhaled. Now, we create the right mindset by remembering a time you were at your best during a similar event. If you do not have any similar events to compare to, think of a time when you were really challenged. Now feel those emotions of being your best, relive it, imagine your upcoming event and how it will go with you at your best.
Don’t forget your self-talk too, be your own coach, remember ‘you are powerful, you are strong, you can do this’.
Step 3: Do you get stressed and anxious? Let us figure out a way for you to relax.
Breathing is the most common tool among athletes, but that might not work for you. This one you may need to figure out for yourself. Think about it now, what calms you? (obviously not your man telling you to calm down).
Step 4: Creating the emotions you need to be your best.
While confidence is the topic of this blog, it may not be the emotion you need when your about to go into your event. Determine which emotions best serve you for your upcoming event and mentally rehearse using those emotions.
Step 5: Regaining control.
As the event approaches, so do our nerves and they love to bring self-doubt and anxiety with them. This moment can be make or break, and that is terrifying, but we can do this. When these destructive thoughts and emotions appear, you need one single last focusing though that is 100% in your control.
Examples: if you are about to give a big speech and the announcer has just said your name issuing you to step on stage and take the mic. Think to yourself, ‘you will make it to that podium, all you need to do is reach that podium and your preparation and skills will get you through this speech’ just imagine the perfect walk onto that stage.
Example: You are a runner, you have a very important race, and you are in position, the whistle is about to blow, and your nerves kick in, what do you say? ‘(your name) you have this, you will begin strong, you will make it over the first hill and your training will take you the rest of the way’.
Example: You are about to sit for your final exam and those thoughts keep coming ‘I’m not ready’, ‘I haven’t prepared for long enough’, ‘I will never pass’. Focus on your single though, ‘You just need to take it slow, read the first question, do you understand it, read it again, what is the answer, think it through, explain it’ once you get through that first question, focus kicks in and your exam will be done before you know it.
You get the point, this is the one last statement which you will make to yourself, to focus your mind on one single piece of the event, which is usually at the beginning, because once you get through that first little milestone, your fears should subside, and you can make it to the finish line.
2. Next for your Body:
· Fitness, the obvious answer when we talk about confidence and your body. I do not think we need a ton of elaboration here. Exercise improves our mood by releasing endorphins such as dopamine and helps regulate your mood and boost your self-confidence.
· Power Poses. If you have watched Greys Anatomy, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Certain body postures and poses can change your hormones and literally make you feel more powerful and confident. All it takes is two-minutes. When we feel powerful, we are more inclined to spread out our arms and hold our heads up high, just the same as when we feel powerless, we closed ourselves up and we make ourselves small.
These poses can be reverse engineered. Instead of moving because of how we feel, we can change how we feel by the way we move or position our bodies. Two things, number one, walk tall, head up high. Secondly, take two minutes and practice a power pose. Put your hands on your hips, spread your legs, head up high, shoulders straight and be in that moment. They call this the Wonder Woman.
Wonder Woman – High power pose. Image accessed from; http://www.faithshevlin.com/blog/strike-a-power-pose/
3. Lastly, reduce the number of saboteurs in our lives:
· Accept reality. Nobody can ever really be perfect. Trying to be perfect all the time can be extremely stressful, cause major anxiety and even send you into depression. While we know this, we really do, but it is still incredibly important to take a step back and remind ourselves that we do not have to be perfect. Chances are, we are the only ones who will even notice if we are not and if others cannot accept that, it is not your problem. Having said that, it is okay to strive to be better and still accept who you are.
· Check your tribe. Who do you hang around with and are they really bringing out the best side of you? This is a concept I have often thought about and I am so fortunate to have an amazing group of friends that are truly supportive, and I always leave them feeling inspired and happy. (Shout out to my beautiful girlfriends).
Unfortunately, we see it all too often where there is gossip and nasty talk around groups of people that are supposed to be friends. I get it, it is hard to cut someone loose when you have known them forever or you hang out with the same crowd, but you need to understand that while you can be friendly to someone and them to you, that may not mean that you are friends and that they have your best interests at heart. The best advice that I can give, is to know who you can trust with your deepest darkest fears and who is a girl you call when you just want to have a fun night. It is okay to separate your ‘friends’ into groups for different aspects of your life.
· Master your fear. Finally, do not let fear control your life. We have rational fear and then we have irrational fears, do not try, and tackle a rational fear because, well, that could be disastrous.
Take an irrational fear, first off, identify the fear. Then think it through, why does ‘x’ scare you? What made you fear this? Can you think of a past event where this fear emerged for the first time?
Remember, this fear is not you, you created this fear, and it is time to let it go. What is the worst possible outcome of accepting this fear, is it rational or irrational? What are the chances that this worst-case scenario would play out if you went for it? Can you accept if your worst-case came true? What would you do if it did?
If you can accept it, we can create a fearless focus. Do not empower it like we do with confidence, but rather focus on what you want as if you already have it and let your brain and those networks do the rest.
Well done, we have gone through molding our minds, empowering our bodies, and taking control of our lives. We are in control of our own destinies and as Amy Cuddy says, you can “Fake it till you become it”. You can be anything you want to be, but it is up to you to do the work and make it happen. So, let us strap on our confidence boots and take a walk through this journey together. We need to empower one another and support our fellow women, because in the end we can all be confident and successful.
Reference List:
Amy Cuddy PH.D. Ted Talk on “Your body language may shape who you are” (2012). Available at: https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_may_shape_who_you_are/up-next?language=en#t-1221364
Hendrie Weisinger PH.D. Article in Psychology Today on “The essence of confidence” (2015). Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/thicken-your-skin/201509/the-essence-confidence
TC North PH.D. “The 12 benefits of increasing your self-confidence”. Available at: https://www.tcnorth.com/building-confidence/12-benefits-increasing-self-confidence/
TC North PH.D. “12 techniques to build self-confidence”. Available at: http://www.tcnorth.com/building-confidence/12-techniques-to-build-self-confidence/
Additional resources from TC North PH.D. on specific topics discussed in the above article:
4 Steps To Stop Negative Thinking and Build Confidence:
Changing one word can increase your confidence when performing under pressure:
How to be Confident – 30 Days to Build Massive Confidence
Lessons from Rio: Perform Your Best – Using Routines
Success Mindset – Becoming a Mindset Master
Relationship Between Self-Confidence and Perfectionism
Master Fear In 6 Easy Yet Powerful Steps
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